What happened?

No, I’m choosing not to spill my guts online. I had already typed through a very dumbed-down version of my life as a train wreck, but feel that thinking everything through took weight off my shoulders. Curious? Ask, but I can’t guarantee the deep-dive version. Scared? Then you don’t know me enough to get the details.

Here’s what you do get to know, broken into three easy stages:

1. Love. Ring. Lonely. Distance

2. Walls. Isolate. Homeless. Wild.

3. Faith. Rebuilding. Empowered. Present.

I’ve learned many things in the last eight months, the primary being that I have truly great friends. Not the quality that invites you to ‘girls night out’ or texts you to make sure you are going to the bridal shower, but the kind that give me their spare house key and garage code, and let me just sit while they go get us food. The kind that can cry in front of, and aren’t concerned that we’re in public, but ask me what I’m going to do about it. The ones who have/are going through things even worse than I am, but give me inspiration to keep on keeping on everyday.

I’ve also learned that laziness is the root that leads to a declining spiral. I found that even driving makes me to jump to a zone where I didn’t have to think or react to anyone. Red=stop. Green=go. Follow the person in front.

On the contrary, never underestimate the power and efficiency of routines.

I will say that I couldn’t have asked for my ex to react and treat me better than he did. Way better. Seriously, like 20 times. I gave up on myself as being a decent person a long time ago, but can’t think of a time where he gave up on the person I was burying inside. He knew I was still in there, and I finally made it back. We are still friends because he could deal with my dumbshit carelessness and apathy, when I had tuned out any sort of painful emotion or sympathy.

So what next? I’ve already been single longer than I ever have been, and don’t even know where to start figuring out the rules for dating at 25. I don’t even know if I want to date; I can barely even comprehend myself. I’m starting over, cutting the excess from my life, and focusing solely on being better.

A better friend, a better athlete, a better Christian, a better worker.

Focus and simplicity. My story of rebuilding a life with less starts here.


Author: Clarissa A.

The older I get, the less I know.

2 thoughts on “What happened?”

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