“How am I going to get out of this?” “I can’t do this.” “How did this happen?” “I survived.”
Probably not the reaction you would expect when someone talks about dating.
I threw myself into the dating world once this year, and found that I’ve backed out over the last couple months. I was forcing myself to do something I thought I should be doing.
I still go out. I mingle. I flirt.
I am also very upfront about what will happen next. I’ve learned this while typing a blog in the past: “Yes, I’ll give you my number, but I probably won’t respond.” ‘Someguy’ is now the most popular last name in my phone. I won’t make any plans with them for later, I generally won’t even stay talking with that person until I leave.
They still continue. We’ll text back and forth, and suddenly I’m confused as to why I now have plans with them. I’ll make up lame excuses in my mind for why we wouldn’t work, then bail.
I know what they feel, as I used to be the person who makes excuses for other people, and convince myself they will change. I think a lot of females are drawn to guys they want to fix.
Now I am the unusual girl they want to fix. They see me as a challenge.
Who doesn’t like getting texts from people throughout the day? I’m who they think about on Sunday evenings, on their lunch breaks, on Saturday mornings.
But I run. I know what it feels like to be on the other end. To not know why this person fell off. What is the proper etiquette to tell someone, “I like that you like to talk to me, but I’m just not ready to move forward?” Is there any, other than the decency to just stop letting it drag on? I’ve used these explanations the last month, none of which have stuck: flaky, dodgy, sporadic, not dating. I even compared my dating life to a speed limit, and I max out at 12 mph.
I have friends tell me it’s okay both ways. From, “If you aren’t interested in dating you need to stop responding to them, period.” To, “They are adults, they can take care of themselves.” Even, “You’re in the driver seat, so you get to make the calls.”
I’m still learning things about people. I’m learning what I do and don’t like. I’ve learned the most interesting and that have the most attractive personalities are the ones that have been hurt, felt real pain, or struggled. I’ve learned that modern technology is playing a huge role in dating. I’ve learned that the longer I continue this stage of running, the less I like dating, relationships, and my view on them. I’m learning about myself, and how much I can do. I’m learning how far I still have to go.
I don’t want someone perfect. I want someone real. I’m dragging my feet because I can. I don’t feel any urge to fill a void, there is no reason for me to rush into anything.
So, for now, I’m going to just keep on keeping on. Sometimes that’s the best I can do. I’m already counting down the weeks until 2013 when it will be a fresh start. 2012 – you’ve been a real jerk.