The Last Night

I took Zach out for dinner last night, and he joked about it being my “last supper.” I’ve been so accustomed to this term being used before colonoscopies and diets lately it didn’t phase me. It wasn’t even until this afternoon it hit me that really was my last solid meal for a while.

I’m sitting here, still sorting out which procedure I want to have done. One has bigger consequences in the long-term with a chance I’ll be back in the hospital in 10-20 years, but easier in the short term. The other is difficult in the “short” term, but eliminates cancer forever.

I’ve approached the situation from many ways, one of which was try to figure out how I wanted to feel after I left mayo. After a month or so, after years. I want to be confident, free of worry. I want to be happy and able to joke. Now when I make light of the situation I get looks showing people’s uncertainty of my humor towards it. I still want to be me.

I think most of all, I just want it to be done. I’ve experienced the consequences of dragging out emotionally draining situations and it doesn’t benefit anyone. I’m playing with a lot of “what ifs” to base my decision off of, and I should probably stick to the tried and true solution. Otherwise I have a long 70 years in front of me.

I’ve been subconsciously planting seeds in my life before I left that will remind me I’m still the same. I could be blowing this whole thought process out of proportion, I’ve never had any surgery before. But I don’t want to leave any room for chance. I already settled and unpacked at my parents. I have a handful of pictures from last week waiting to be uploaded to facebook to keep me actively working to connect pre and post surgery me.

I’m ready. I am. I’m just triple checking every detail is in order.

Check-in time is 9am tomorrow. I’m handing my phone over to my mom for a couple days, so feel free to call or text. Just know it might be her on the other end!

Advertisements

Author: Clarissa A.

The older I get, the less I know.

2 thoughts on “The Last Night”

  1. Just wanted to let you know you have been in my thoughts and prayers constantly for the last coupe of weeks. Life sucks and isn’t always fair and you have handled it with such grace and courage!!! Be strong my young friend!
    Love, Momma G

  2. Wow Claire you’ve made through the surgery with flying colors. The hard decisions have been made and now the smaller life challenges will happen and you’ll tackle them with the same zest as you have through the other challenges you face. You are a shining star and we are so glad you are in our universe.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s