I went back home.

Home-home. Lincoln home. I’ve only spent two days there out of the last 18.

My mom and I made the quick trip to bring back the cats from my house, as Zach had been watching them while we were away. We thought it would be a nice change of scenery and something to cheer me up.

And it did, but a little too much. Walking in was like nothing had changed. The smells, the colors, the cat welcoming me home. This is where my life was.

On the way home from the surgery, the radio played Michael Buble’s “Home” (and I can’t believe I’m referencing him in my blog) – “It’s like I just stepped outside. When everything was going right.” This whole thing has been an arctic blizzard that I just “accidentally” stepped outside into just as I was really getting settled. Going back home was like stepping back into normal life. Where I should be, not in this chaos.

The doctors tell me there are “emotional days.” This is definitely one of them. I could barely sort my mail without crying and tell receptionist my mailing address without my voice cracking. I cried until we got past the Waverly exit on our way back to Omaha.

I always forget how important having a home is. Last year I had a span of time where I was ‘homeless.’ It was stressful,”dooms-month”. I know from that experience and my “Making my house a home” post last year, that no matter how many of your possessions you take with you, you can’t force a home. I made running my home when no house was. It was where I could go when I had no where else. It was where I could go to be comfortable and at peace.

I physically can’t run now, I consider walking two laps around our circle a success. I’m searching for other ways to be at home while I’m recovering. I have a couple DVDs and CDs from Mayo on meditation I am getting ready to try. Hopefully I can find peacefulness somewhere in the midst of all this chaos.

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Author: Clarissa A.

The older I get, the less I know.

1 thought on “I went back home.”

  1. Aw Claire….. Wish I had magic to make things easier for you. Crying isn’t just ok, it’s good. Good for your mind, and your body, and your soul. You are already starting to heal. Some people never manage to even begin that process. I remember how hard it was to not be able to do the things I used to do. A hike that once took 30 mins took me 2 hours. But it gets better. I never got my ‘old life’ back, but I made a new one that was just as good. Just different. And you will too. Keep your chin up!

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