In the meantime

Today I went back to work. I tried to be as covert as possible, since this doesn’t mean I’m back. It just means I’m doing well. Right now. The light remains on in my office 24/7.

I’m still recovering from surgery, and think my oncologist will continue to let me heal for another two weeks. It’s like trying to pick the lesser of two evils. On one hand, I want to start right now and kill the cells before they can multiply and get worse. I want to start now and get this over with. On the other hand, if I start before my body is as strong as it can be, I could end up in the hospital without completing my entire cycle. Patience. Trust.

I’ve spent a lot of my time thoroughly reading “The Chemotherapy Survival Guide.” it dives way into the details that the doctors can’t prepare you for; it’s written by nurses who have dealt with the ‘little questions’ and know the answers. For example, there are specific finger nail polish removers I should use that are sensitive to my nail beds. After chemo starts, my nails may become very weakened and flaky, and a ‘ridge’ will grow out that marks my old nails from my new. I just painted my nails, it will probably be on my feet a month after I start treatment, into the new era.

I’ve been spending the last couple weeks preparing. I moved back to Lincoln on Saturday until further notice. Although Monday dealt me some unexpected complications (infections, multiple full change-outs, severe stomach cramping), its been so good to be home. I can get things in order for the next six months. My roommate carried up an extra set of shelves to help me organize all my new medical supplies. My pantry is now stocked. Things are put away, drawers rearranged. I’m ready.

I’m ready for this weekend. I will be heading down to kc to visit my brothers family, and to finally meet their new baby, my niece. This may be the first and last time I get to hold her until 2014. After their visit, on Friday I’m jumping in a car with two other friends and heading to Nashville.

Sounds crazy, right? Well, I probably am a little crazy right now.

It’ll actually be a quick trip with lots of road time. We are seeing Beyonce in concert Saturday night then returning home Sunday.

I need this. I feel like my entire summer is being packed into this weekend. I don’t even remember June, July is almost halfway over, lord knows what condition I’ll be in come August. Otherwise, my summer has been reduced to occasional walks and bike rides, hanging out on my or my parents patios, frequent lunch and dinner outings. This will be my last weekend to really get out and be carefree, or at least the most carefree I can be for the time being.

After treatment, I think things will change. I will probably be paranoid for a while, border line compulsive about cleanliness, food preparation, nutrition intake, spending too much time in public. Getting sick is a very bad thing for me. So are any open wounds.

Maybe it won’t be that bad. I just don’t know.

I do know I’m getting really frustrated I don’t have a start date. I figure at worst, I can clear plans for “treatment weeks,” and be more open on my “recovery weeks.” I feel like it’s May again, and I can’t commit to anything business or play more than a week away. I want plans, I want my life back.

I do have plans on August 17. And you should mark your calendar, too.


Author: Clarissa A.

The older I get, the less I know.

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