Venting.

This sucks. I’m reaching my patience on not getting a normal nights rest. Being up for hours at odd times of the night isn’t helping me feeling exhausted and sick.

My throat is sore. I don’t know if it’s a side effect of chemo or if I picked up a bug at work last week. Hot tea and cough drops are my plan of attack until I can call my doctors office in approximately two hours. Every minor weird feeling needs to be addressed. Last week when I had a headache they did strength testing on both sides of my body to make sure it wasn’t something more. They need to know everything in case an adjustment in my meds is required, which I don’t want to do. I want the standard and most proven treatment, not one with many adjustments.

I have a headache, probably because I haven’t drank enough water this weekend due to the fact my mouth feels weird. Itchy teeth syndrome. I rub my gums from the outside of my mouth, but not too much because I have to be cautious of mouth sores. I have my terrible mouthwash that leaves an awful medicinal taste for hours. I picked up hard candy today to help with the bad taste, but which helped cause my alienation with water.

I took one Tylenol, I think that’s okay. Just about the time I’m relaxed enough to fall asleep a hot flash hits me and I need to throw off all the blankets. Or give myself a shot. Or check Bennie. Or try to force food down.

The days after chemo blur. It’s like a non-stop hangover with none of the fun parts. All details fuzz together, I’m hungry but not at the same time. I have to force water down. I want to lay around all day and have no sense when I’m falling asleep or how long I’ve been out. Even thinking about the people I saw within the last 48 hours seems surreal, like a thought I had.

Chemo isn’t the worst, it’s just bad enough to disrupt and normalcy in my life. It’s a game of seeing how much poison can be run through my body without causing so much pain and discomfort that its unbearable. It’s just enough to kill cells without making me think about the fact it’s killing me too.

They say eventually the side effects start stacking from treatment to treatment. I suppose it’s finally starting to get to me, and it will begin to get just a little worse each week.

The current clinical trial I qualified for tested whether the full 12-cycle treatment was necessary, or if it can be cut in half to six treatments with the same outcome.

I’m no where near quitting right now, but it’s good to know if I can’t make it I might not be completely effed.

Off to close my eyes for about 20 minutes until my next hot flash. I was hoping to get to Omaha tonight for a young adult survivorship get together tonight. I can barely keep my eyes focused.

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Author: Clarissa A.

The older I get, the less I know.

3 thoughts on “Venting.”

  1. Sometimes your posts take me back 10 years. You’re right, chemo does suck. As do the sleepless nights, the hot flashes, the forcing food and fluid. It all comes back so vividly when I read what you’re going through. You go ahead and vent and rant and rave all you want to – you’ve earned that! And sometimes, it really does help. Even if just a little bit.

    But I can tell you that even a few weeks out from my treatments, I can remember so many little things in life that made me think, ‘This is why those 2.5 years were worth it. Being able to be in my best friend’s wedding, enjoying an ooey gooey smores, watching the monarch butterflies flutter over my parent’s hill. Don’t get me wrong, if I could make it happen that you never had to deal with cancer or any of those crappy side effects, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But since you don’t have that option, you are going to have an opportunity that so many people never get. You will know how lucky you are to wake up in the morning and hop out of bed without pain. You will know how lucky you are to sit in a restaurant and scarf down a favorite meal. You will know how precious every little thing is that so many people take for granted. Here’s a quote that helped me through some rough days….

    “What will see me through the next 20 years (and I am less sure of those 20 than I was of “forever”) is my knowledge that even in the face of the sweeping away of all that I assumed to be permanent, even when the universe made it quite clear to me that I was mistaken in my certainties, in my definitions, I did not break. The shattering of my sureties did not shatter me. Stability comes from inside, not outside.”

    I’m not sure who to credit for that, but it really hit home. You are stronger than this, Claire. Hang in there…..

  2. Your blog is encouraging. … Just finished cycle 1 of folfox here. It looks like you’ve also been blessed by so many that care. Keep fighting! !

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