Frayed.

I compare 2012 to a piece of knotted rope. It started as a frayed end. Nothing was clean, tightly wound, or had any order. Throughout the year I made various steps and decisions, kind of like tying a knot in the rope. These knots started cleaning my rope up. Put things in order, and lead to a strongly-bound piece.

Some examples of these knots are completing the steps to own my house under just me. Getting a car I actually like. Settling down with a guy I liked. Really focusing on my diet and the things I eat. Becoming more of an adult. The segments after these steps led to a cleaner rope, one that made sense. It was easy to continue along and keep my rope tidy and in order.

I feel myself starting to fray again. My visions of what I wanted and where I wanted to go are becoming more and more unclear. Outside of maintaining my job, and my solid group of family and friends, I am starting to feel torn in areas of my life.

Work vs. play
I love my job and feel extremely loyal to it, especially after the support and compassion that it’s given me the last several months. However, this new attitude I’ve embraced tells me to not take it so seriously. If I want to take a day off to go play, do it. Probably not the best attitude to have while my time in the office is cut so short as it is. I want to work as hard as I can while I can, but I also want to spend my days how I want to and indulge in the moments that make me feel good.

Save vs. spend
I’ve been making huge strides paying off debt I’ve gained from various obstacles the last couple years. Obviously, as I continue to pay them off, more money has become available. My knotted rope attitude tells me to continue to take my surplus and make additional payments on loans. My frayed attitude says to take the money and do things that make me happy. Keep it so I can take advantage of any and all situations that may spontaneously arise. Travel, shop, splurge. Enjoy life.

Carefree vs. commit
One of my more recent posts got into why I’m avoiding dating, and I still have serious concerns about it right now. But how long can I convince myself that I’m better off solo? Who doesn’t want someone that wants to stand by you when you face the scariest obstacle you might ever face?

I guess recently, I just feel a lot less stable. I don’t have a solid game plan. I’m living in the now and loosing grasp on the plans I had worked so hard for last year. I’ve said it before, but I feel like my future is just on hold. I don’t want to make any drastic changes, because I feel so emotionally fragile. I don’t know what the next five years will bring, so I can’t plan for it.

When I think about the various outcomes of the next several years I can feel my anxiety rise and my chest tighten. There is just so much that could or could not happen. I immediately shift back to my stress management techniques and dismiss getting caught up in all the “what ifs”.

I feel like my best option is to just stay put and force a smile. Know the future is never guaranteed, but how does the living live without a future?

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Author: Clarissa A.

The older I get, the less I know.

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